One of the last topics we covered in psychology this semester was memory. As someone who often lives through her memories, I was fascinated by this topic. It's scary to think how unreliable our memories can be. Especially for important ones, because each time we remember them, we change them a little bit. We watched a video on people who literally never forgot anything. I have to admit, a part of me wished I was like that, and I could remember every incredible moment like it happened yesterday. I'm so thankful for the memories that I've recorded through video and writing, but what about the ones I didn't? Am I remembering the moments that mean so much to me completely wrong? But at the same time, does it really matter? A favorite scene from a fictional book or movie can have almost a strong effect on me as my own experiences, so is there anything wrong with me fabricating in my mind a bit? As long as the memory gives me comfort and strength down the road, it doesn't really matter if that's exactly how it happened.
Let's look at some of them. Definitely not all, of course, but the first few that come to my mind.
- being ninjas in my backyard. laying on our backs, looking at the stars, singing that song. fish fighting foxes. jumping to mars.
- walking to indaroma. laughing. bollywood music videos. slurpees. being airplanes. snow.
- hanging out in our domain, room 202. tropical smoothie. inside jokes. knowing that i belonged.
- glass sliding doors. うな丼にしました。being awkward 外人. eating one of the best meals of my life.
- melting under the sun. fangirling our favorite drummer. screaming when the score became 5-4.
- that moment when everyone knew to fill the circle. jumping up and down, singing those words with everything we had. out of our minds singing and dancing back to the hotel.
- laughing at everything. things were just more amusing over there. we were happier. inside jokes came about every five minutes, and would last years.
- two days of miserable, depressing jet rug. seeing that sticker on his car and laughing harder than i had since that last plane ride. making food. laughing. inside jokes. being なつかしい. apples to apples. sleeping through movies.
- knowing that even though we'd only met a day before, these people would be some of my best friends. that hotel. the hallway of awesome. pizza parties. feeling at home for the first time.
- "ざんねん beech." "sensitive." "change your めがね." "いらっしゃいませぇぇぇ." "oh japan." "pull to kill."
- knowing that even though they ignored me as i wore yukata for the first time, and as we walked through the matsuri, and as we watched the fireworks, and even though i felt so alone i wanted to cry, i was still happy to be there. i just needed to do it right next time. just because i spent those three weeks an outsider to these two girls, i still belonged. it would be better one day. one bad memory didn't mean it wouldn't be better one day. because i had found where i belonged, and they meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. i'd make more memories one day. better memories. and that day is drawing nearer, and i cannot wait.
The last one sums up how I feel about all of this. Many of these memories happened buried within rough times. I'm a different person now, and they will come easier from now on. I have tools that will get me through the tough moments, and that will make the good ones incredible. I've seen what's out there, and I loved it even in miserable circumstances. I've never done that before. If things weren't perfect, then they sucked. But you know what? Life isn't long enough to live like that. I need to find a way to remember every day. Every moment needs to be remembered better than it was. Only then will I be sure I can face tomorrow.
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