I can do hard things

I last published a post on this blog 8 years ago.

I started this blog over 10 years ago.

Today is January 1, 2020. We are officially in a new decade. Everyone has been reflecting on the past decade, but for some reason I am mainly thinking about the few years I kept this blog going - 2009-2011.

I was unhappy, and I knew it. I desperately wanted something new, something different. I had an idea of what that might be - possibly living in New York or Tokyo, working for a publishing company or a nonprofit organization fighting for social reform.

If you had told me that I would end up teaching 6th grade in Fairfax County Public Schools... I'm a bit ashamed to say that I probably would have been disappointed. Teaching elementary school is not glamorous, and seems like a simple career that anyone can do.

How wrong I would have been.

I love my career choice more than I can put into words. When I look back on my old writing, I desperately wanted to do something good in this world. Every single day I get to make a positive influence in the life of a child. I get to teach them skills they will need to be successful in this world. I get to find their potential and make sure they see that in themselves. I get to show them the consequences for their actions and help them become better people. I get to expand their worldview and introduce them to new ways of thinking. I get to directly make a positive impact on the future.

Each day is insane and stressful and incredibly rewarding. Yes, my students may have had the "Vietnam War with hand sanitizer" while I was keeping an eye on one student reinacting the Underground Railroad through interpretive dance and another student finishing an assignment for possibly the first time all year (this was December). It takes skill to make sure 22 11-12 year olds are all QUIETLY completing their various reading tasks while working with small groups who are significantly below grade level but still need to take the grade-level state tests. Doing a hands-on activity requires extensive planning and classroom management techniques to keep students on task while having fun.

Teachers are leaving the profession in droves every year. The expectations are impossibly high, the hours long and arduous, and sometimes it feels like you are fighting a losing battle. And yet I love it.

It could be my time at TJ that instilled this sense of masochism in me. I enjoy doing hard things. I love looking back on what I have accomplished and knowing that yes, I did that. I managed to get both a class of 5th graders and 6th graders to do an hour of work on the last day before winter break, then managed parties for both classes that were fun, calm, and involved zero movies. I even somehow got them to clean up (mostly).

I can do hard things.

This is my mantra for the next decade. It's actually not that different from everything I learned in the past decade. This type of thinking got me through TJ, and carried through to college, study abroad, internships, grad school, and working. This is an idea I have always carried with me, but now I'm ready to start saying it loud and proud.

When Pottermore first came out in 2011, it sorted me in Gryffindor. As a proud Ravenclaw my entire life, I immediately dismissed this and promptly ignored the entire website. I didn't care about bravery - it wasn't a quality I thought I even wanted to have. To me, being Gryffindor meant wanting to take risks, ignore the rules, do crazy things for the thrill of it, and none of that applied to me.

Looking back, however, I see many times I did scary things, succeeded, and was proud of it. You see, being brave doesn't mean you aren't scared of things. It can mean you are scared but you do those things anyway. I didn't stay at my base school because I knew TJ would be hard and I would have to make new friends - I took the risk because I wanted to try something new. It was hard and scary, but I did it, and I grew from the experience. My Japanese professor in college had a reputation for being terrifying, and some people avoided studying the language because of its reputation for being extremely difficult. Every day that first semester, my heart pounded in my chest as I walked to class, but I always walked out feeling smarter and stronger. I was terrified the first time I went to Japan, but afterwards the memories of my adventures fueled a desire in me to travel and try new things. I ended up going back to Japan three more times after that. Each time I encountered terrifying experiences, like losing my wallet, or creating an internship from scratch at an elementary school where no one wanted me there. And yet in those moments, I powered through. I knew what I needed to do, so I made a plan and carried it out.

I can do hard things.

I took the Pottermore test again earlier this year (2019). I had heard it was updated and much more accurate, so I was curious. Once again, it told me Gryffindor. I was surprised again, but I slowly started reflecting on my life and thinking that maybe I had been wrong all along. I am brave, and I always have been. I might not be super outgoing or a risk-taker, I have anxiety and some things are harder for me than for other people. Yes, I've avoided doing certain things because they seem too much. I've stayed home from parties, said no to dares, and stuck to the rules. But I have never turned down an opportunity to do something incredible because it was too scary. I was scared - no, terrified - before my internship in Tokyo. And honestly, I had good reason to be scared because it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I did it, I made it through, and I became stronger because of it.

I recently reread the Harry Potter series for the first time in many years, and I found myself relating strongly to Hermione and McGonagall. Hermione was a combination of who I was as a child and who I wanted to be (I never did get her grades). McGonagall is who I want to be in the future - the firm, strict teacher who has high expectations for her students but still cares about them deeply. Both characters are Gryffindors who were almost in Ravenclaw. I recognized that Gryffindors weren't all thrill-seekers with little regard for the rules - some were intelligent, logical, lovers of learning with a strong sense of right and wrong. Like Hermione, I stand up for what I believe in. Like McGonagall, I recognize that there is a time and a place for following the rules, and this does not include times of crisis.

I feel this strange sense of power, going into a new decade as a Gryffindor. It's like I am recognizing that I am who I want to be. I can have anxiety and be an introvert, but still be brave when it matters. I think that's the difference between me and most Gryffindors - I'm not brave because I think it's fun, rather I'm brave because I know it's important. It is empowering to feel that yes, I can do hard things. I can take risks when I need to. I will never shy away from anything because I'm scared. I have hopes and dreams and goals and nothing is going to get in my way.

So I guess now it's time to buy a new scarf?