Gift giving and thoughts. Lots of thoughts

I officially hate gift-giving. I really do. Hanukkah ended a few days ago, but I've realized that every year as much as I get excited about the prospect of opening presents, it always leaves me feeling somewhat empty inside. Here are the things I received this year that I really needed and will benefit my life in some way: editing software, a laptop sleeve, a calendar, and iTunes gift card, and a bottle purple nail polish that has now completed my soul. I got other things too- two books, a t-shirt, a CD, and a few other little things. But quite honestly, I would be completely happy without any of these things. I guess it just bothered me when my mother gave me a gift I legitimately did not like and did not ask for: a t-shirt that read "I cannot live without books," which is not really true, and I really don't need any more shirts. I felt bad about it and did not tell her I did not like the shirt, obviously, but I didn't know what to do because it's the thought that matters, right? But when we are in an economic recession, we just spent a few thousand dollars repairing our bathroom/kitchen ceiling, our washing machine and dryer are both falling apart, our van is breaking down, the lease on my dad's car will be up soon, and my dog needs surgery on her knees, which may cost a few more thousand dollars, do we really need to be spending a few bucks on a gift I don't need/care for? The shirt came with my nail polish, and believe me, I would have been happy with just the nail polish. And at the same time, I am angry at myself for asking for certain things. When my mother asked me for a wish list, I put down things I could possibly enjoy receiving. But honestly, I should have just limited it to my basic needs. Material gifts don't impact me in any way. Also, while I can live without books, I CANNOT live without music. I'd rather she had given me the gifts I mentioned above, and a massive iTunes gift card. I treat these gift cards with such care- I plan out what songs I absolutely must have, and then carefully buy only what I absolutely need. And there is still always more out there I can't afford.
AND AT THE SAME TIME I am thinking about how I am still being selfish and self-centered. There are people out there who get one gift a year. There are people out there whose gift every year is being alive. And here I am, complaining about not having enough money to buy music. I try so hard to always think of everyone else, to always appreciate what I have. I really am so fortunate for everything in my life. But come on, cut me some slack, please! I'm a freaking kid growing up in an overly materialistic society. I try to care about Darfur, and the environment, and poor kids in America, and starving people in Africa, but it all gets too much at some point. I can't grasp all of it, and in the end it just makes my head hurt. There is so much world suck and all I want to do is make a difference, but what can I do when my first priority is getting good grades? Am I being selfish? I just can't find the time to put time and energy into decreasing world suck. Shouldn't that be my first priority? Grades, social life, family, saving the world- which goes first? All I want to do in this world is make people happy. I want to cure cancer (well, not technically. I want to raise money, perhaps, to cure cancer. I hate biology), I want to educate and feed the world, and I want to save the planet. And struggling through physics is pushing me towards this... how? Looking back, I would return all the gifts I did not need, donate half to charities, saved a quarter and spent the other quarter on music. That is definitely what I am doing next year, and I think everyone should do that. Imagine if everyone just asked for three or four gifts each year, and then donated $25 or so to charity, and put a little more in the bank. World suck makes my head hurt sometimes. You can tell from the disjointedness of this blog that I don't have it figured it out at all in my mind. I want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. And I'm just a 16-almost 17-year old trying to pass physics and precalc and hoping to go to college one day who does not have the time to have a job. I can't pick and choose what I want to support the most- Darfur or Burma? Feeding Africa or educating Africa? Cancer research or environmental research? Equality or literacy? I don't know. I just don't know. I am so incredibly fortunate to have been brought up by hard working parents who taught me the skills to succeed in the world, who have given me every opportunity in the world to build skills, and who have supported me all the way. As a humanist, I believe it is our job as members of a community to take what we have been handed and to pass it on. This will get a bit political for a bit. Educated people have the responsibility (sound familiar, TJ kids? lol) to take our skills of working hard and passing them on to children in areas where these values are not as important. Throwing money at poor city kids, or ignoring them both does nothing to better the community and is incredibly selfish. You can't stand there and say that everyone has the same opportunity and if I can do it, so can you. We are not all created equal, and I see it as our generation's job to fix this. You can't fix the world and make everyone happy. But the distribution of wealth is ridiculous. How can we be battling obesity in America and starvation in every other corner of the world?
It all makes me so mad, and I can't get my thoughts together. It's like my mind is this giant vortex of contradictions and pros and cons and starvation and genocide and violence and Sarah Palin ever looming in the background terrifyingly brandishing a rifle ready to take over the world. And then all I want to do is close my eyes and daydream about bunnies and rainbows.
I will make a difference one day. I know I will.