Worry, confusion, and ANGST

Oyyyy
Oy
Oy
OY FREAKING VEY

Not sure what to say...

I'm sure if you have been reading this long enough that you know of my habit of really liking something, then re-watching/reading it and becoming OBSESSED with it. Well, my friends, it has happened again. While studying for APUSH last week, I was reading about the 1960s and was constantly reminded of one of my favorite movies, Across the Universe. After the exam, on Saturday, I sat down to watch it and fell in love with it all over again. It is truly a beautiful film. The gorgeousness of Jim Sturgess and the music, the power of the symbolism, the seamless transitions from scene to scene, the interpretation of the lyrics, the hard truth behind the story, all creates an incredible movie. I went and bought the soundtrack last night and I've fallen into this familiar feeling of complete love of everything related to this one form of entertainment.

I want to whine. I want to write happy things. I want to say how I still can't find my calculator, but I feel pretty confident about finishing my wave labs on time, although I bombed the test and have to count on my crappy labs to bring up my grade. My math grade is slipping and I need to meet with my teacher for extra review a) so I can get a good grade on the next test, b) so I can really understand this crap that will basically be the basis of calculus next year and c) so he will write me a decent recommendation. Unfortunately, this means less physics time, which I really need because I do not want to be working frantically last minute on these labs. On the note of recommendations, it is now time to start approaching teachers and it is both terrifying and frustrating. I don't excel at any classes (with the exception of maybe Japanese) in my school, so there aren't really any teachers other than my Japanese teacher who will write me a rec that says I'm actually, um, good at something. The other one (probably my math teacher) is relying solely on his interpretation of my effort throughout the year, which I can only hope he sees as what it was (that was a crappy sentence), but I put a CRAP load of effort and time into this year and if that doesn't show up in the rec I will... do bad things. Not to mention that I'm pretty nervous about approaching him because I don't think you'd normally ask a teacher for a rec when you failed so miserably in the class. On the other hand, I have improved throughout the year (with the exception of this quarter) and he has seen that progress. If my teacher recs are what keep me out of college, I will... do more bad things.
I had a lunch meeting about Japan today [yesterday], about which I'm super excited. However, Kristine tells me she can't come down for Sonorus, and says, "We have this whole summer to chill thought rightt?" No, I'm in a country halfway across the world. So I'm watching everyone make these plans to go to concerts and Infinitus and nonsense, knowing every time a band announces tour dates I sigh as I see DC dates during July. But come on, I'll be in freaking Japan. That's better, right? Well, yeah, I am insanely psyched to go to Tokyo and meet up with Sara, my student from two years ago. I cannot wait to shop in Japan and eat Japanese food for a month straight and to talk to Japanese people and make new Japanese friends. But at the same time, I'm worried about a few things. I'm not going to list them here, but if you are remotely close to me, you probably know what these are. So Japan will be wonderful, but I'll still be missing out on a LOT. If I don't have the greatest time possible, I know I will come back regretting the trip. Don't say "Oh, you will have so much fun, don't worry about it," because I know myself well enough to know I'm not so great at making the best out of every situation. If I am in a Japanese person's house for three weeks, frozen in terror of accidentally breaking hugely important Japanese mannerisms and not understanding my host family, I will literally have a panic attack in a country on the other side of the world. I'm reminded of a week I spent at the beach with my friend and her family the summer after seventh grade. On paper, it should have been impossibly fun and memorable, but in reality I spent too much of the trip wanting to return home. It's not that I get homesick that easily, it's more that I can be really pessimistic and miserable when things "are not right" and I can't disappear into my little hole. It could be amazing and it could be terrible and the "could be"s are freaking me out.

The winds are changing, my dears.