I wrote this in one sitting and reread nothing.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and I'm going to try and take the thoughts in my mind and transform them into words on a page. I recently wrote in my journal in English class the difference between when I think in thoughts and when I think in words. The thoughts are much more difficult to capture than the words, obviously, but I will take a stab at these thoughts.
I often come to the conclusion that I hate people. People are complicated, unreliable, and difficult to read. I have many frustrations about certain people at the moment. We often wish people were something they are not. This reminds me of Paper Towns, and how John Green illustrates perception and seeing the person you want to see, rather than who they really are. However, I am encountering a different problem- I am finding that people are not who they are around me. Like, I may get annoyed at a person when I hang out with them or talk to them for a specific reason, and then they convey that they are in fact capable of whatever they lacked that I wished they had. They just choose not to use it around me. I don't understand why people can't totally be themselves around me. Do I come across as untrustworthy? Someone who wouldn't understand? But maybe you are right, maybe I am. Or maybe I am not. This led me to thinking about why people can't be the same person around everyone. However, I then realized that everyone is different, and everyone gives off a different vibe or feeling. You have different relationships with everyone, which results in unintentionally (or even intentionally) acting differently around different people. They say to be yourself, but in fact, it is truly impossible to be yourself around other people. We always change ourselves around other people regardless of whether we think we are doing it or not. I truly dislike a few people. Disliking someone is easy and sometimes amusing. However, having issues with people you sincerely like is one of the most frustrating situations out there. It is part of human nature to have relationships. We are all drawn to them no matter what. And yet we also go through so much difficulty with relationships. We change ourselves for other people. We do things to make them happy. We go through pain when they hurt us, because it is so, so easy to hurt those closest to us. I can sit here and be cynical and say I hate everyone and I want to go live in the woods in solitary like Thoreau, but that is not true. People can make me laugh. They can cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. We have to learn to accept the trials of having a relationship in order to feel the benefits. It is like anything in life, there is always something that you must overcome to enjoy it. And honestly, I hate being lonely. I hate people, but at the same time I can't live without them. So I am going to finish this post and go hang out with my brother, because if there is any form of child abuse in the world, it is being an only child. I am sorry you had to grow up like that.